Ok, lets be honest about this. Since I have started this journey of losing weight, I've achieved so much, and shown that I have the potential to do what ever I put my mind to, right? Let me get this straight, even though I can be a miserable cow and a bit of a whiner, that's not what this post is about, its simply being honest, nothing in this post will be exaggerated or blown out of proportion, it's simply just how it is, it's fact, no more no less.
So, over the last few months I've been learning to swim, getting back on a bike, running faster...all great things, but something else has been happening and I've been ignoring it. My diet has slipped, and strength training has reduced significantly which has resulted in a 7lb gain. This was never in the script and I'm now back where I was in December.
It has occurred to me that over the last 3 months I have been saying that my weight has stabilised, I can't get passed that dreaded number no matter what I do, but it's ok as I hadn't gained weight. When in fact, after weighing myself on Saturday morning it seems that I have, and quite a lot of it. I could have ignored it of course, and carried on pretending that I wasn't gaining weight but Saturday really struck a cord, and I knew what I had to do, instead of kidding myself, I needed to admit it to someone, that in fact I was failing.
So that's exactly what I did, I know @TheIron_Bear will always put things in perspective and tell me how it is, so I messaged him and admitted my failing to him. Then before my bike ride on Sunday with Anne I told her, and did something I never do which was to admit my weight. As soon as I had done this, I felt in control again, clean eating over the weekend seemed easy, now just the small matter of training!
It occurred to me that I had actually wasted the last 5 months, the progress that I had made had been scuppered by stuffing my face with any food that I shouldn't eat with the excuse of "I'm training later", then substituting those strength sessions for some sort of cardio. This problem was evident yesterday when I went to the gym with the intention of giving myself a hiding and throwing a strop with my weak legs for not even getting the basics, simple walking lunges and my balance was off, back down to my knees for press ups, bent legs for dips. It just wasn't working, I felt massive and heavy, like I was lugging myself around so I tried a different tactic. I tried some new exercises that I hadn't done in some time and managed to get them out ok, then actually surprised myself with squats on the wobble board. But I still came away with that feeling of failure, walking lunges are my thing, and I'm bloody good at them, so struggling to push out 30 is not acceptable, by any ones standards!
The other thing that hammered it home to me is seeing the progress of others, @jbeccx was a runner who I managed to bump into about mile 15 at VLM2012, who was looking for something different to do and started strength training after the New Year, she has made amazing progress and has lost 12% of her body fat, and at the weekend shaved 9 minutes from her half marathon pb, without really doing much running! Pretty amazing! When I read this I was really chuffed for her, she has obviously worked really hard for this, but I couldn't help thinking "hmmmm, howcome it hasn't worked for me? Why am I still struggling?" I think this is obvious, Becca has clearly put the work in and I clearly haven't. Yes, I have said it, I am jealous of her progress, but have I anyone else to blame apart from myself? Absolutely not, it's me that decides what I shove in my mouth, no one forces that, it's me that misses training or does something less effective. What's the point in me moaning that it hasn't worked for me, if I haven't been doing it right. Am I guilty of sitting on twitter and letting people think I'm still making progress, probably, I have turned into those people I hate! What Becca has proven is that is it absolutely possible when you give it everything and make the sacrifices that you need to achieve your goals.
So, where do I go from here? Well, honestly it has to be back to the drawing board. I have clearly lost a lot of strength which my gym session yesterday had proven, which horrifies me that that will mean I haven't just gained 7lbs, but more than likely double that in pure fat. This grosses me out, and has made me so cross with myself and determined not to let this fat beat me again, because this time I have nowhere to hide.